The Wizard of Hogz
by Rainshine5
Summary: Draco and Hermione are asked to journey to the dangerous Land of Hogz to retrieve three stolen objects for Dumbledore. Who stole the objects? And why does everything and everyone look so familiar? Warning, this story is hilarious, so if you don't like to chuckle, then please... You've been warned. I will change the summary of this someday, but for now, just trust me, this rocks.
1. Chapter 1

The Wizard of Hogz

Chapter 1: Starting at the Beginning

Great. This is just my luck. If someone had told me this morning that I'd standing so close to Hermione Granger, of all people, and in Dumbledore's office about to go on some weird mission to retrieve some stupid objects that probably aren't even REAL, I'd have laughed my bloody arse off.

Let me start at the beginning.

So today was just another ordinary day, or so I thought when I woke up. I got up, got dressed, made sure I was nothing less than the exact image of perfection, and made my way down to the Great Hall and to the Slytherin table for breakfast. I ate and joked around with Blaise and Pansy, I made fun of Potty and Weasel, and then we all moved on to potions as our first class of the day.

Potions was amusing as always, what with Snape docking points from Gryffindor just for Potter breathing too loudly and "continually disrupting the rest of the class". I have the best godfather in the world.

We moved on to Charms, then Herbology, then to that big oaf's joke of a class. Seriously, they should have fired him when that ghastly hippogriff of his attacked me. But then again, I'm the idiot that provoked him in the first place. Yes, yes, I know I'm the one to be blamed, but I'd never admit it out loud. I do have my pride to maintain.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. I met up with Blaise and Pansy for lunch, when I noticed that Granger wasn't sitting in her normal spot with Potter and the stalker. Honestly, why can't he just take no for an answer and move on with his life already, instead of following Granger around like a lovesick puppy just hoping that she'll come around? Just take a hint, you git. She's not interested anymore. YOU screwed that up when took that incessant, gold digging, fame seeking, air headed Lavender Brown to bed when Granger didn't just instantly give it up. Come on man. You don't trade a girl like Hermione Granger for a thick cow like LAVENDER BROWN. You just DON'T.

That's all right though. Because Granger deserves so much better than that.

Suddenly, my shoulder is nudged by Blaise. Oh right. I was daydreaming again. I try to look nonchalant and smirk at Blaise, acting like I wasn't thinking about Granger again, but he knows the truth. I think I kind of hate myself a little.

Okay, that's a lie. I'm awesome, and I know it. Too bad Granger doesn't notice. On second thought, who could really blame her? I was nothing but a first class prick to her and her friends for so long. Who knew I'd actually develop feelings for her in third year after she put me in my rightful place and punched the living daylights out of me. That woman can throw a punch.

I'm chuckling at the memory, when Blaise nudges me again. Why can't he just let me live in my fantasy world alone for a bit? Just as I'm about to ask him, he winks and says, "You're looking for Granger, right? She's over there by Dumbledore."

My eyes follow to where he's pointing and sure enough, she's leaning down to Dumbledore, looking very concentrated and determined on whatever he's telling her. He looks up and meets my eyes. I figure he'll just look away, but he holds my gaze steadily with that annoying little twinkle in his eye. Why is he looking at me like that? It's making me uneasy. He mumbles something to Granger and she looks up at me as well. She looks surprised. But there's that determined gleam in her eye again and she nods down to Dumbledore in some kind of understanding.

Are they talking about me? I look away from them and try not to think about it. I finish my lunch hastily and stand up without a word to Blaise and retreat from the Great Hall.

As soon as I get out of there, I lean against the wall. I consider bashing my head against it a few times but quickly decide against it. I wouldn't want to ruin this pretty face of mine.

Butterflies. Granger's simple gaze gave me freaking BUTTERFLIES. I know I've got it bad, I KNOW, okay? I almost feel like I'm going to be sick.

How does she make me feel so nervous? I NEVER get nervous. You would think I would be, after having to share the same home with the darkest wizard of all time, but all THAT did was annoy the crap out of me. That man spends more time in the bathroom than my whole family combined, and that's saying something.

He claims it's because image means everything so he needs to look his best at all times so he could maintain his hold on all his adoring death eaters. Yeah right, he NEEDS to maintain his hold on his sanity because he doesn't even have HAIR.

And to top off that little minor annoyance of having to share a bathroom and home with him, he was always trying to be my best friend. He stayed in the room right across from mine after I told him he couldn't stay in my room and be "roomies" with me. Enter shudder here.

He gets lonely sometimes, and I get that, I really do. But he's also a mouth breather, and a very loud one at that. Well obviously, since he's missing his nose. He didn't find it very amusing when I tried the thumb trick where you pretend to steal a toddlers nose. I did it and said, "Oh look, I got your nose in my hand!"

He responded by giving my neck a hug with his fingers and said, "Oh look, I got your life in my hand."

Drama queen. I only meant it as a joke. And you know, if he's really so great and powerful, then why can't he just summon a new nose or something? Then maybe he'll stop making that weird noise when he tries to sneeze.

And maybe someday he'll learn how to pass the rolls at dinner. I swear he's such a greedy hog. Maybe I wanted a roll with my supper as well, but no, that's just not possible. Which is why I'm so grateful for Hogwarts. This is my much needed escape from that roll hogging lunatic. At least at Hogwarts, I can have all the rolls I want.

Wait, why was I thinking about Moldy Voldy? Oh right, because Hermione gave me those stupid butterflies. Hermione? Oh, I meant Granger! I should really not get comfortable with calling her by her first name in my head. No, screw that, it's MY head. I'll think about whatever the bloody hell I WANT to think about.

I blink and shake my head. I must be losing it, having an argument with myself. I've got to get out of here. I push off from the wall and start heading for the Slytherin common room when a voice stops me dead in my tracks. It's HER.

"Malfoy, wait up!" she calls. Should I ignore her? If I turn around too fast, I might seem desperate for her attention. Wait, no, that's not right. SHE'S the one that called to ME first right? So it would make sense to turn around and see what she wants.

I make the decision to turn around but she reaches me first. She puts her hand on my right shoulder and is gasping for breath. I raise my eyebrow in amusement, which makes her remove her hand. Dang.

"Sorry," she pants. "I almost… just missed you… Dumbledore… important request… office… now."

What? "Calm down and catch your breath first, Granger. Accio cup. Aguamenti." I summon a cup and fill it with water. "Drink," I tell her.

She takes the cup with caution and looks at me doubtfully.

"Drink it," I repeat. "It isn't poisoned. Wizard's honor."

She lifted it to her lips and took a tentative sip before deciding it was safe, which kind of stings me a bit. I'm not known to be the most caring person in the world, but I would never poison her. EVER. I would allow myself to be poisoned before I ever let her even come close to it. Pathetic, ain't I?

She looks at me, quizzically. "You all right, Malfoy?"

Good, she's caught her breath again. "I'm just grand. Didn't you have something to tell me?" Because I sure as heck will not be telling you that your distrust hurts me.

"What? Oh yeah! Dumbledore asked that you and I meet him back in his office because he has a very important task that he needs to be completed. I think it's some kind of Headboy and Headgirl thing, since he's only asking for us."

I frown. "That's odd, but sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Actually," she adorably looks down and twirls her fingers nervously. "He was asking for us right away."

What does that old geezer want with us so bad that he can't even wait for five minutes more? I sigh. "Fine."

She gives a relieved smile and we head toward Dumbledore's office.

I keep sneaking peeks at her whenever she isn't looking. Her wild chestnut curls bounce with every step she takes and when a piece of hair falls into her face, she blows up at it with her soft pink rose petal lips. She sucks her bottom lip in with her teeth and nibbles on it for a second before releasing it. I almost moan at the sight. Does she have any idea how incredibly provocative she looks? I mentally kick myself. Get it together, Draco.

When we get to the Gargoyle, Hermione mutters the password and we go in.

As soon as we reach Dumbledore's office, he gestures for us to sit. We take our seats and wait patiently for him to begin.

"Mr. Malfoy, Miss Granger," he nods. "I have a most… unusual request of you."

"Well it can't be any weirder than the daunting task of wearing a sombrero and green sequined cape to the Hospital Wing last week to help Madam Pomphrey cheer up those sick first years after that unfortunate Charms incident," I say.

Dumbledore blinks confusedly, while Hermione was trying unsuccessfully to cover up her sudden giggles with a cough.

"Oh, my dear boy, I must apologize for sending Peeves to relay any requests or information to you," Dumbledore cringed. "He was only supposed to ask you to check in with Madam Pomphrey to make sure they were on the road to recovery. I wondered why he never came back that day…"

"WHAT?! They made me do the muggle chicken dance!"

At that, Hermione completely lost it. She was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face.

Great. So much for maintaining the famous Malfoy pride. Well at least I made her laugh. And what a beautiful laugh she has.

Dumbledore clears his throat, regaining our attention. "We'll attend to this matter at a later time. But for now, I have a task that is much more dangerous than a muggle dance, of that I can assure you."

Now THAT got my attention. He wants us to do something dangerous?

"I've chosen yourself and Miss Granger because you are my top two most intelligent students and that intelligence may just save your lives, should you accept."

Intelligence, huh? That must be why he didn't ask for Potter and Weasley. Although I'm still confused as to why he's wanting to send two of his students on such a life endangering mission. Can he even do that?

"I've had three very important artifacts stolen from me and they've been taken to an alternate universe and can be located in the Land of Hogz. I've created two separate portkeys for the both of you. Miss Granger will land in the Foreboding Forest and you, Mr. Malfoy will be transported to a place called E.L.F. where you will retrieve the first item. You will then find Miss Granger awaiting your arrival in the Foreboding Forest to continue the rest of your journey together. You will travel together into the Land of Hogz, and there, you will find the final remaining artifact."

"You keep saying artifacts, but you never actually say WHAT they are. What are we supposed to be looking for? And why can't you go there yourself?" I ask.

"The thief would know the exact moment I got there, if I were the one to go. Then he would flee to another world, being the greedy coward he is. He will never expect the two of you. As for the artifacts… You will know them when you see them."

Cryptic old loon.

I look over to Hermione. "You've been awful silent for all of this," I remark.

She gives me a small smile that makes my heart flutter. "I've already spoken to Professor Dumbledore about it and have agreed to help."

Ah. That's what she must have been talking to Dumbledore about during lunch earlier. Makes much more sense now. Always such a bloody Gryffindor. But if she trusts Dumbledore… "All right, sure. Sign me up."

Dumbledore seems slightly shocked that I would agree so easily. Well if Hermione is going, and from the way Dumbledore's talking, it's going to be pretty dangerous, then that means something could happen to her. I would never be able to forgive myself if something bad happened to her that I might have been able to prevent. No, I'm going. For Hermione. Because I'm an idiot.

"Mr. Malfoy, Miss Granger, your efforts will be most appreciated. But I must warn you that this will not be a simple or quick task. And I cannot stress to you enough of how dangerous it will be. You must use extreme caution for every second you're there."

"You can count on us, Professor," Hermione proclaimed with no hesitation.

"I know I can. Are you ready to receive your portkeys?"

I gasp like a fish out of water. "Now?! You want us to leave right NOW?! Shouldn't we at least let our friends know that we'll be missing for who knows how long so they won't-"

"That's already been taken care of, Mr. Malfoy. The longer the thief possesses those objects, the more danger his world, as well as our own, will be in." Merlin, he already knew I would accept. How could he have possibly known that for sure? I don't know whether to be impressed or creeped out beyond belief.

"Oh," I nod stupidly. "Well all right then. Let's get going shall we?"

Dumbledore reaches into the pockets of his robes, pulling out the two portkeys and hands them over to us.

Hermione's was a simple and small tree twig. Mine was in the form of a small tornado shaped keychain.

"Remember," Hermione starts. "Meet me in the Foreboding Forest. I won't leave there without you."

I nod my understanding. "On the count of three?"

"One," she begins.

"Two," I breathe.

"Three! Portus!" We shout together.


	2. It Really Was No Miracle But Thanks?

The Wizard of Hogz

Chapter 2: It Really Was No Miracle… But Thanks?

A/N: Hello, lovelies, here is the second of possibly many chapters. I've already got the next two chapters written, so it's just a matter of getting it all typed out and posted. This is my first fanfic, so I hope you enjoy it. And if you have any comments, ideas or questions, I'd be so thrilled to hear them, whether it be a compliment or mega flame-itude. Also, this fic is based (loosely) along the lines of The Wizard of Oz, if you haven't figured it out yet. I've got fantastic things ahead!

On another note, sorry this a/n is so dang long. Enjoy, and if you love it, please review! Hate it? I'd love to hear what you dislike about it and thank you so very much for taking the time to read!

The portkey glowed blue and suddenly I felt like I was being sucked up into darkness and whirling around- almost as if I was in a tornado. Huh, the tornado keychain suddenly feels very appropriate.

I don't care HOW many times I've used a portkey, I will never be used to the feeling of it.

As I reach my destination in E.L.F., I feel the portkey loosen its grip on me and it sends me stumbling, when my feet make contact with solid ground. Urg, now I'm nauseous.

I stick the portkey in my robe pocket when I realize I'm not wearing my robes anymore. Um… okay then. Now I'm wearing a short sleeved, white and pale blue checkered silk button up shirt, soft black dress trousers, pale blue socks to match my shirt, and shiny black dress shoes that feels as if I'm walking on a cloud.

I thank all that is good in the world when I find that my wand is in my left pocket, safe and sound. I slip the portkey in with it, and take a look around for any other signs of life. I can feel eyes on me, but I have no idea where they're coming from.

This place is unbelievable. There's a large circle in the middle of what appears to be a small town of some sort. In the center of the circle, there is a shifting staircase in which the right half of stairs is a glittering yellow, while the left side is a dull red. The streets are made of marble and there are flowers and tiny houses everywhere. I see a stone bridge that sits over a small clear stream of water that leads into a pond. Or maybe it's a tiny pool. In one direction, there are rolling hills that seem to go on for ages.

Yeah, I have a feeling I'm not in Hogwarts anymore.

"Hello?" I call out. There's no way I'm here alone.

I hear a tinkling noise off in the distance. I quickly locate the source and find that a large translucent bubble is slowly drifting toward me. Am I supposed to pop it? What if it's come to swallow me up into it? I think maybe I should take my wand out, just in case. It's not every day that you see one random bubble that looks as if it could be on steroids coming at you like it's starving for dinner and you just happen to be the whole buffet.

Dumbledore didn't mention anything about psychotic man-eating bubbles…

The bubble starts to disappear and I can now make out the shape of a young woman with pale blond hair and very familiar dreamy gaze. She was decked out in a large poofy pink sparkly dress and carrying a large oversized wand/staff thing.

"Luna Lovegood?" I frown. Wha-?

She smiles. "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

"Beg pardon?" I ask. "I'm not a witch at all. Clearly, I'm a man. Hello? I'm a wizard? From Hogwarts?" I hear several high pitched giggles. "What was that?"

"That would be the house elves," she answers. Then to my horror, she starts singing.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are

And meet the young fellow who fell from afar.

He fell from the sky, he fell very far

And Hogwarts, he says, is the name of the star." Another dreamy smile.

Why is she singing? Well I guess that's the reason all the house elves are out and about now. They are all very decently dressed. The females are in poofy skirts of every different color and matching blouses. The males were in dark shaded trousers and different colored shirts. So are they all free? Hermione would just love that.

Luna continued with her song.

"He brings you good news, or haven't you heard?

When he fell out of Hogwarts, a miracle occurred."

I blink. "It really was no miracle… but I guess if you want to think of me that well, then what the heck? I'm flattered- really I am."

Luna frowned. "Why aren't you singing or rhyming, young witch?"

"Are you daft? I'm a wizard, not a witch. And I'm a Malfoy- I don't sing."

Loony looks like she's about to answer, when a loud bang sounds out and a large puff of red smoke appears, making the elves squeak and scatter in terror. Why, in Merlin's name, can't ANYONE make a normal entrance in this place?

The smoke clears and now I can see another woman, only this one has tons of tiny black curls wildly piled up on top of her head and she's got a barking mad gleam in her eye that makes me gasp. "A-aunt Bellatrix?" I stammer.

Her head snaps around to glare daggers at me. "It's Bellawitch, you miserable, worthless, lowlife sod. And I don't have a nephew. As a matter of fact, I don't have ANY family left, since my sister got a HOUSE dropped on her NOT EVEN AN HOUR AGO! Speaking of," she snapped back to Luna. "I wasn't finished with you yet, Glunda! How DARE you give away someone else's belongings like that? You had no right! Those were supposed to go to me when she died! You will get them back for me, or you'll regret the day you ever crossed the Wicked Witch of the West!"

Luna- or Glunda, whoever the heck she is, rolls her eyes and waves off the painfully obvious death threat as if she's just been offered an afternoon brunch that she simply must regrettably refuse.

"I've already told you once before, Bellawitch. You'd best be along your merry way before someone drops a house on you too. You know you have no power here. Be gone with you!"

"You can't get rid of me so easily! I want those slippers and I want them now!"

"They will be staying on Dorothy's feet until the end of her natural born life, if I have anything to do with it! I put them there for a good reason and I'd do it again if I had the chance!"

"Then give me the wand. You owe me that."

"I owe you nothing. Now leave."

"I WILL NOT!" Bellatrix screams. "Give me what is rightfully mine or I will find a way to kill all of your precious elves!"

"With what? Kitten whiskers and butterfly kisses? Your magic doesn't work here. And I no longer have the items you seek. The shoes are with the girl and the wand is now… well… see for yourself." She points over to me.

Bellatrix narrows her eyes at me. I realize that I've had my wand held up the entire time. Only it wasn't MY own wand that my hand was wrapped around anymore. This new wand was thinner and slightly longer than my own and was encrusted with sparkling, dazzling rubies.

Bellatrix growls. "Give me back that wand and I might spare your life."

Luna glares. "You already know he can't. Did you not learn your lesson from Dorothy? Now this is your final warning. Leave this place of your own free will or I will forcefully remove you with mine."

My aunt walked toward me and snarled right in my face. "I'll get you, my little handsome- and that little wand too! There will be no safe place for you, once you step foot outside of E.L.F.! And the first moment you let your guard slip, I'll be there. I'll have that wand soon enough. Along with the girl and those slippers!"

And just as quickly as she arrived, she disappears with the same red smoke, leaving a sulfuric scent behind, laughing maniacally.

Leave it to Dumbledore to put me in the middle of some bizarre girly conflict between my aunt and Loony Lovegood herself, over a pair of shoes.

"Pooh! What a smell of sulfur!" Luna exclaims. Then she beckons to the elves, inviting them to rejoin us, assuring them that the witch is gone.

"Do you mind explaining to me what in the bloody seven seas in going on?!"

Luna blinks at my outburst. "Oh, Bellawitch? That was nothing, really. She's practically harmless… here…"

Is she crazy? She's absolutely bonkers. "I find it difficult to believe that she is harmless in any way. She just threatened to kill me for a wand that I didn't even want or ask for."

"She didn't threaten to kill you. She only said that she would get you. And then she proceeded to call you handsome. I personally think she likes you!"

I shudder violently. "That's going to give me nightmares tonight." Seriously, I did NOT need that mental image. The thought of my aunt… LIKING… subject change. Back to the wand. "So… why DO I have this thing?"

"Ah! Oh yes, I almost forgot! Silly me. This morning, someone stole something very precious to the elves and myself."

"There seems to be a lot of that happening today," I mumble.

She continues on as if I had never spoken. "You see that shifting staircase over there? Well the right side is the correct color of yellow. Now can you tell me what color the left side is?"

"Um… red?"

"IT'S RED!" She yells, throwing her hands in the air.

"Okay, so we both obviously know our colors. That's great and all, but I really fail to see what that has to do with me."

She ignores me. Do I even exist anymore? "Red! It's red! It's not supposed to be red! It's supposed to be rainbow colored. Someone stole our rainbow!"

I back away slowly. I don't really know anything about this girl and I'm beginning to strongly suspect that she may have recently escaped from St. Mungo's mental ward. "Look, I'm sure you're a really nice person and everything, I need to be going now. You see, I've got this… thing… that I need to do, and I really don't have time to just stand around, chatting it up about… er… rainbows and things. If you could just point me in the direction of the Foreboding Forest-"

"I'm not crazy," she interrupts, scowling.

My eyes widen and I laugh nervously. "What? No, no, of course not. Who would ever say that? That's just so… untrue. And… I'd never call you crazy." At least not within earshot, I finish mentally.

"I'm well aware of how absurd I sound. But I speak the truth. This morning was completely normal, you know? Nothing too much out of the ordinary except the fact that the Wicked Witch of the East was somehow able to use her magic to terrorize my poor little elves and then BAM! A house lands on her and squishes her like a pancake. Well, while we were all distracted over all that excitement, someone came along and stole our rainbow. I don't know why they decided to leave the red, but without the other colors, we'll never be able to get to Goblin City.

Anywho, so a girl named Dorothy, bless her poor little heart, walked out of the house and was horrified to see that she had killed the wicked witch. That's when Bellawitch showed up, demanding the ruby slippers. Poor Dorothy just wanted to get home, so I gave her the shoes. She should actually be on her way to see the wizard now. I'm hoping that when she goes home back to Kansas, that the slippers will disappear with her. I don't want to think about how much danger we will all be in if Bellawitch gets her hands on those shoes!"

I sigh. Has she always been so talkative? And you know, it's funny, but I STILL don't have an answer as to why I'm holding a sparkly bedazzled wand. "Yes, that's lovely and all, but WHERE DO I FIT IN TO ALL THIS?!"

"Don't worry your pretty little head, I'm getting to that.

So I got the shoes all taken care of but that still left the wand. Narcissista came to be in possession of it, just this morning. She had this thing for rubies, if you couldn't tell, so I wasn't entirely shocked that she had this new wand. No, what stunned me the most was that this new wand was actually allowing her to use her magic here. I'm supposed to be the only one able to use magic in E.L.F.. All other magic is banned. Yet that wand seems to defy every rule and protective spell I've ever cast. I don't know how exactly she came to possess such a powerful and strange wand but I do know that it doesn't belong in this world."

Narcissista was the Wicked Witch of the East… why does that name sound so familiar to me? Oh geez… Witch… Aunt Bella… SISTER… Narcissa! My mother was squashed to death by a house! Okay, not my actual mother… I should probably go ahead and stop thinking about this now. "So you just randomly gave the wand to me? How do you know I won't use it for all dark purposes and malicious intents?"

"Because, kind witch, you have a pure heart."

"For the last bloody time, I'm a WIZARD! And how could you possibly know if my heart was pure? You've known me all of five minutes. You don't know me at all! And besides all that, why didn't you just give the wand to Dorothy as well, while you were at it?"

"Muggle," she said simply. "She wouldn't know what to do with it, and I fear it would bring her more danger than protection. This wand belongs with a magical being. I can just feel that it belongs with you."

Yeah. She's definitely off her rocker for sure. "Okay, fine. I really don't have the time for all this. I'll keep the wand and take it back to my own world. My Headmaster will know what to do with it, that way you get to sleep more soundly at night with all your little elves and I get to get the heck out of this place. Now, if you could just point me in the direction of the Foreboding Forest, that'd be real swell."

"Oh, well that's easy. It's always best to start at the beginning and all you do is follow the yellow shifting staircase road. Did you bring your broomstick with you?"

Shoot, Dumbledore didn't mention I'd need to bring that… "No, I'm afraid I didn't."

"Well then, you'll have to walk. The elves will see you safely to the border of E.L.F.

And remember, never let that ruby wand out of your hand for a moment, or you'll be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West."

"Okay, great. Thank you. Just one more thing, though."

She squints in confusion. "Yes?"

"What on EARTH does E.L.F. stand for?"

She smiles widely. "You are in the Elven Land of Fabulosity. Clever, isn't it?"

"Yeah. This place IS pretty fabulous, as un-manly as I sound, saying that. So… I just… follow the yellow shifting staircase?"

"Yes. Good luck and a safe journey to you."

"But- what happens if I-"

"Just follow the yellow shifting staircase." She turns, about to leave, when a thought seems to strike her. "Oh and if you happen to find our rainbow along the way, please do return it."

"Sure thing." I watch as she disappears back into her weird bubble thing again. "My, people come and go so oddly around here!"

The elves giggled their high pitched, squeaky giggles and guided me to the yellow shifting staircase to see me off, while singing and shouting "Goodbye!" as I started up the case. This is going to be a very long journey, if everyone here sings.

A/N: Poor Draco has no idea what he's in for!

Anywho, here's the second chapter for you. And thank you SO MUCH to all of you that followed, favorited, and reviewed!

Please leave a comment if you have time, and let me know what you think! Xoxo!


	3. Of Songs and Scarecrows

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Chapter 3: Of Songs and Scarecrows

"Follow the yellow shifting staircase. Follow… the…" I pause. Wonderful. The staircase splits off into two different paths. "NOW which way do I go?"

"Why, if I could see the road signs, then I could tell you which way to go."

I whirl around in surprise. There isn't another soul in sight. "Who said that?" All I can see is an oddly placed scarecrow.

"Although, I HAVE heard that that way over there is fairly pleasant," the same voice answers.

Where on earth is that voice coming from?! I glance at the scarecrow again. No… there's no way. But maybe…? I mean, this place IS pretty weird. "Don't be silly, Draco. Scarecrows don't talk," I sigh to myself.

"Of course people DO go BOTH ways," the scarecrow animatedly throws his arms in both directions.

"AHA! So it WAS you!" I start walking closer to him. He looks… oddly familiar. Wait. Is that… "Potter?"

He grins. "Close. The name's Spotter. Scarey Spotter. Get it? Scarey? Because I'm a scarecrow."

"Clearly. How clever your parents must have been to have come up with such a golden name for you," I scoff. "So how did you get lucky enough to get stuck up there?" I point to the wooden pole that he's attached to.

He grimaces and turns around to sigh at the pole that's holding him captive. "Pranksters," he replied. "Gred and Forge Teasley thought it'd be so ha ha hilarious to steal my glasses AGAIN and stick me up on… on… oh, WHATEVER is that I'm on! They told me to do my job and scare the crows away but my problem is that, without my glasses, I can't see a darn thing!"

"Ah, well here, let me help you."

"Oh that's very kind of you."

"Don't mention it. Seriously, don't." I walk around behind him and look for whatever it is that's holding him up. I find a nice, sturdy nail and I reach up to bend it, hoping that it would just release him, but it won't budge. What am I supposed to do now? I didn't bring a hammer with me. I can't just… oh. I'm so slow. Hello? I'm a wizard. I shake my head and force myself to not give into the desire to deliver a nice facepalm to my forehead. I pull my wand out and wave it, expecting the nail to come loose and release Potter. Spotter. WhatEVER. It still hasn't moved. Not even the tiniest bit. I wave my wand again. Nothing. Is this thing even on? How is my wand not working? Impossible!

Ding. Lightbulb! Didn't Luna say something about the ruby wand being able to resist other charms and things that are supposed to prevent normal magic from being used? Well, only one way to find out.

I pull the ruby wand out and wave it over the nail. Works like a charm. (Pun intended.) I know. I'm amazing.

Potter falls down quickly, courtesy of gravity. He's stumbling all over the place, losing straw all the while, the unfortunate fool.

"Whoops!" he cries out. "There goes some of me again!"

I watch in fascination. He's now crawling all over the ground, blindly groping around for the missing straw. " Does that hurt?" I ask.

"Oh, no. I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again!"

A crow land right next to his hand, settling into a pile of straw. He doesn't seem to see it at all. The crow jumps around before deciding to fly up onto Potter's shoulder.

"Hey!" he yells. "Get off of me! I know you're there- I can feel you!"

The crow squawks and pecks at Potter's straw hat, mockingly and flies away.

Potter sighs loudly and slumps down, defeated. "You see how they mock me? I can't even properly see them to scare them away. Oh, I'm a failure! And all because I don't have a pair of contacts! None of this would have ever happened if I only had contacts."

"Contacts? You want… contacts?" I ask slowly.

"Absolutely! Why, if I had contacts, I could…" He begins to sing.

"I could while away the hours, looking at the flowers and watchin' all the rain.

No more potions I'd be botchin', cuz my eyes were busy watchin',

If I only had good sight.

I'd be solvin' any puzzle for wizards, or for muggles that couldn't get them right.

All the views would be so freeing, I could even go sightseeing,

If I only had good sight.

Oh I could tell you where the ocean meets the shore.

I could show you things you've never seen before.

And then I'd sit- and see some more.

I would not be just all stuffin',

My eyes just seein' nuffin',

My heart all full of spite.

I could read every passage, I could find my missing baggage,

If I only had good sight!"

Oh thank Merlin. Thank all the good things of the world. He's done singing. I thought he'd never stop. His song was MUCH longer than Loony's. Well, I don't want to seem rude. I better smile… "Um… what a… nice song. Congratulations," I finish awkwardly. "Well, you're free from that pole now and this has been a real hoot and all, but I really must be getting to the Foreboding Forest now and it was such a pleasure to meet you. So good luck with your… problem… Later, mate."

As I'm about to make a run for it, Potter exclaims "Wait!" I turn back to him, slowly.

"Did you say the Foreboding Forest?" he asks. I nod. Oi, me and my big mouth. _Please don't ask to come PLEASE don't ask to come!_

"Well I actually need to go that way, to get to the spectacular Wizard of Hogz! I'm going to ask him to give me a pair of contacts. Do you mind if I tag along with you? I'll be really quiet- you won't even know I'm there!"

"I really don't-"

"Oh, please! Please let me come with you! Please please please please PLEASE!"

Hmm… Potter begging me? I like it. "Fine," I huff. "But it's up to you to keep up. I'll not be searching for you, should you decide to wander off or get left behind. I have a strict schedule to keep. You got that?"

"Oh, yes! I've got it, yes sir!"

"Right. Well let's get a move on then, yeah?"

He nods vigorously, his hat dangerously close to toppling right off. Then he takes a few very enthusiastic steps… in the wrong direction.

"Potter?" I call. "You're going the wrong way. This way."

He grins sheepishly. "Oh right! Oh and actually, my name's Spotter- not Potter," he reminds me.

"Whatever. I'm Draco Malfoy."

"Nice to meet you, Draco."

"Um… Spotter?  
"Mm?"  
"Don't call me Draco. Just call me Malfoy, all right? It kinda creeps me out when you call me Draco."

"Malfoy, sure. Got it! But why?"

"You remind me of someone I know. We aren't exactly on a first name basis."

"Why not? Don't you like your name?"

"Of course I do. We just do it because… because… it's just what we do, okay! Now stop asking so many questions!" So much for 'you won't even know I'm there!'

"Of course. Now onward and upward!" he cries out, pointing at the yellow shifting staircase.

I really hope we're going the right way…

As I was thinking that, he starts to sing again.

"OOOOHHHHHH, we're off to see the wizard the wonderful Wizard of Hogz!

We hear he is a whiz of a wiz if ever a Wiz there was!

If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was, the Wizard of Hogz is one because

Because because because because BECAAAAAAUUUUUUSEEEE!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Hooooooggggzzzzz!"

I groan. Why did I agree to let him come with me again? Maybe because I feel bad for being such a jerk to the real Potter? Nah. Maybe it's because this one is so dangerously close to being blinder than a bat, that I just feel compelled to help him. I feel a little protective of him. Huh. I wonder if the real Potter is near blind without his glasses too?

Questions for another time and another day. If I can only make it through all these musical numbers. I can't help but think that Luna and Spotter aren't the ONLY ones with a song in their heart. And that terrifies me like nothing else ever has before.

**A/N: Hey guys, I'm back with another chapter for ya! I apologize for taking so long to update! I don't have internet at home, so I have to go to the library or somewhere else that has wifi.**

** On a slightly different note, I was wondering how everyone was enjoying, or not enjoying this story so far! No amount of words or thanks could be expressed well enough to those that review or favorite or follow, but I'll thank you anyway! Thank you so much, guys. You seriously make me deliriously happy!**

** A very special thank you to DracoLover and Guest, for your reviews. I am thrilled that you are eager to know what happens next!**

** Lastly, if anyone has any ideas or requests for this story, I'd be happy to hear them. Review or PM me any time and I'll get back to you as quickly as I can!**

** Until next chapter! Follow the yellow shifting staircase!**


	4. Troubled Tin

Chapter 4: Troubled Tin

**A/N: Hey guys, I have to make the Tin Man part into two different chapters because it was getting way too long. It wasn't meant to be so long or go in the direction that it went, but sometimes stories just seem to write themselves. It seems a little dark to me at times, so I apologize if it gets pretty suckish. Anywho, enjoy!**

"Ughhh, I'm sooo huungryyy!" Spotter whines. He's been complaining ever since I freed him from his pole yesterday. I decide to ignore his constant babble for food, when his next comment makes me chuckle.

"Ugh, I think I'm dying! I'm wasting away into nothing but a pile of straw and starvation! Oh, the pain! The horror!"

"Don't be so dramatic, Spotter. You're a scarecrow-you're not even really alive. And how is it that you are even hungry? You're made of straw, correct? Or have you secretly been lying to me this whole time?"

He sticks up his nose and huffs. "I am very much alive, thank you very much. Probably even more alive than you. I'm walking, talking, breathing, thinking, and I have feelings the same as you. And I can assure you that I AM a scarecrow, and not some… some…"

"Some?" I prod.

He looks at me with an odd smirk and gives me a mini heart attack when he suddenly yells at the top of his voice, "I'm not some STUPID TREE!"

Okay, am I missing something? Did I misjudge him before? Perhaps it's time to cart him off to the official loony bin because he's seeming pretty crazy town to me right now. "What do you-"

"Hey!" A new voice shouts. "What do ya mean stupid?"

Spotter grins widely and turns to squint at the voice. A talking apple tree. You've gotta be kidding me. Can I just go back home now?

"You heard me, you twisted old bag of twigs! At least I can get up and walk around wherever I please, instead of being rooted into the ground for all eternity with nothing but your rotting apples to keep you company. Yeah, I'd MUCH rather be a scarecrow."

"Hey! Are you hinting my apples ain't what they ought to be? Rotting! I'll show YOU rotting!"

And do you know just what that mentally deranged tree did next? (Can trees even BE mentally deranged?) He started chucking his apples at us like a professional pitcher. Is this what trees do all day? Since they can't walk, they just work on their throwing arm? Because I'm not going to lie. I'm impressed. It's funny though, because I have no idea why he took such offense to Spotter's remark. Or why Spotter would decide to provoke a tree in the first place. It just seems so silly.

Spotter dropped to the ground, gathering all the apples he could find and stuffing them into his pockets. "Thank you very kindly, oh great twig master. You've just provided a fine end to my hunger! How wonderful of you!"

And suddenly, Spotter doesn't seem so crazy anymore. Clever little buggar.

While Spotter munches happily away on his first apple, we begin to distance ourselves from the tree. And as we're walking away, I can't help but wonder… Who would place a tree on a shifting staircase?

I shake my head and run a careful hand through my perfectly touseled locks. Hopefully we can find this stupid Foreboding Forest soon and then I can finally get out of this crap hole and-

Wait… is that? What is that up ahead? Something shiny for sure. A bird? A plane? No! Okay now I'm just being silly. It's this place, I tell you.

It looks like… a metal statue of some sort. Or maybe it's a robot. Rusted. Terribly rusted. I can just barely make out facial features now. Clearly a man-around my own age. Thin. Very tall-gangly. Hmmm…

No. Absolutely not. The fates are just being mean to me now. I've already taken in one charity case, I don't need another. I will, under NO circumstance stop to talk to or help out WEASEL of all people, no matter WHAT world I'm in. Although, it doesn't look like I have much to worry about, since it looks as if he's been rusted over by time and his body is so rigid, I'm surprised that even the simplest of breezes hasn't knocked him over yet.

We're about ten feet away from him now, and I'm praying that Spotter doesn't see that big ol' useless hunk-a-tin. We're almost past him so I pick up the pace and and call to Spotter over my shoulder. "Come along, Spotter, no time to waste!"

"Right!" he cries. "Coming! OOMPH!" There was a very loud bang behind me and I don't want to turn around but I know I have to. I turn around just in time to see Spotter spiraling to the ground. Fantastic. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice Weasley, and what happens? He literally runs right into him, of course. Such is my luck.

"Ugghh," he moans, sitting up slowly. "What the heck just happened?"

"Oh," I responded too quickly. "It was only a tree. Well let's keep moving!"

"Hey, wait a minute! Trees don't make that kind of sound. And they're not shiny either." He crawls over to Weasley and knocks on his shin, then his thigh, and lastly, his abdomen. "Why, it's a man! A man made out of tin!"

"What? No, that's crazy. It's just a statue…"

"I thought you said it was a tree?"

"It's a statue… of a tree."

"Draco. Come on now. You don't ACTUALLY expect me to believe that, do you?"

"What does it matter, anyway?"

"It matters because he's in need of help. We can't just leave him when we might have the ability to help him."

"Well maybe YOU can't just leave him, but I certainly can. I don't know if you remember, but let me refresh your memory. I'm sort of in hurry."

"Come on, Dray. Please?"

I sigh heavily. Honestly, I should just leave Weasley here. And Spotter too, since he's so insistent. I should, but I can't. Spotter is actually all right. And great company when he's not singing. Ugh! But this is Ron Weasley, we're talking about. Our families have hated each other for… well, forever!

But… I guess this isn't the REAL Weasley. Just like the woman that got the house dropped on her wasn't my REAL mother.

"Please?" Spotter repeats, as he gives me the mastered puppy eyes. It's impressive.

"Fine," I groan. "But then we leave right after. I really do need to get to the Foreboding Forest."

"Of course! Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Tha-"

"Scarey?"

"Mmm?"

"That will be quite enough."

"Right. So how are we going to do this? How do you think he got to be this way? What an unfortunate guy."

"I dunno, maybe he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It happens."

"But how are we going to figure out what's wrong with him?"

"You see the way his body is so stiff, but his eyes are still able to move around? My guess is that he's been cursed. I'm positive I already know which one, but it's always better to be safe than sorry."  
"Cursed? Are you sure he didn't just get stuck out in the rain and rust up?"

"I'm quite sure. Tin doesn't rust. Iron does. He's only rusted around his knees, shoulders and elbows, but nowhere else."

"How fascinating, that you can tell all that, just by looking at him!"

"More like a pain in my arse," I grimace. "All right now, tin person, I'm going to ask you some questions, and you're going to answer by moving your eyes up and down for "yes" and side to side for "no". Are you ready?"

His eyes twitched up and down. _Yes._

"You understand. Good. You must have a brain, which is more than I can say for the real Weasley. Do you know where you are?"

_Yes._

"And where would that be?"

His eyes took on a confused and slightly panicked expression.

"I'm kidding. Don't get your knickers all in a twist now, Weasley, I know you can't speak. I am here, at the request of my companion, to help you. Do you need help?"

_Yes._

"I'm going to use Legilimency to find out exactly what curse I'm up against. Do you know what Legilimency is?"

_No._

"Legilimency will allow me to magically navigate through your mind and I will be able to search through your thoughts, emotions, and memories until I find what I need. Still with me?"

_Yes._

"It is very invasive to your privacy, so I would understand if you wished to decline my help. So I will ask again. Are you still in need of my assistance?"

_Yes._

"Very well. If you are skilled at all, in the art of Occlumency, not is not the time to use it. Prepare yourself." I look into his blue eyes and point the ruby wand at him, for once, grateful that Voldemort took such a special interest in me, enough to teach me Legilimency. "Legilimens."

As to be expected, whether it be the real Weasley, or this parallel Weasley, his mind is easier to waltz into than a hot knife slicing through already melted butter. Heh, heh, there's more open space in here than there is in my father's front lawn. Okay I guess I wouldn't have very much brain activity either if I had been stuck to one spot for such a long time. I'd probably be pretty air headed too. I mean, you can only recite every muggle country so many times before going mental.

All right, enough Weasel bashing. It's time for serious business now.

I'm sifting through his memories, trying to find what I need. I'm finding mostly hunger, hopes for food, hunger, strangers passing by without a glance, hunger, strangers trying- and failing- to help, more hunger, more want for food, and oh yeah, more hunger. I don't know, it's pretty hard to tell, but… I think he might be a tad bit hungry. What does a tin man eat anyway? Sheet metal? Little metal shavings?

Ah, finally, I think I've got something. Weasley used to be a real boy, yada, yada, yada, a professional Wizard's Chess player using life sized pieces, fell in love with one of Aunt Bella's servant girls, Maya, whom might I add, looks eerily similar to Hermione, and of course, my aunt being the lovely, caring, and gentle soul she is, took it upon herself to "handle the situation" ever so delicately. After warning him to stay away from Maya, Aunt Bella enchanted the chess pieces of his final Wizard's chess game for the season to sever his limbs from his body. Yikes. Poor guy…

Next, I see a very large Hagrid point a pink fishing pole and piece Weasley back together as a tin man, in order to save his life.

Skip ahead to Weasley finding his way back to Maya, oh happy day, then planning to run away together and have little tin babies, adopt a little tin puppy. You know, the whole nine yards.

Except… Aunt Bella found out that he was still alive and had no intention of letting the two young loves live out their happily ever afters.

"Do you NOT know how to die, you worthless vermin?" Bellawitch growls.

"My love for Maya will never die," Weasley bravely retorts. "No, I do not know how to die."

"How absurdly sweet of you. I'll kindly teach you. Avada Keda-"

"No!" Maya jumps in front of Weasley and tries to shield his much larger tin body with her own. "Please, Bellawitch. I love him. Please…"

"Love? Love! You know nothing of love, Maya, because if you did, you wouldn't be guarding his life with your own, you'd be guarding MINE!"

"Bella, please. You know I love the both of you so much. You're the best friend I've ever have- that I ever WILL have. I have loved serving you and being there for you, but now it's my turn. I need you to be there for me, by letting go of me. Let me walk away. I love this man- this tin man- and I know he loves me. It's more true and more real than anything else I've ever known."

"Then you're a bigger fool than I thought. Now remove yourself from that abomination. I've grown weary and I'm ready to put all this behind me."

"I will not."

"Are you forgetting who takes the orders?"

"…"

"Maya. MOVE."

"I will NOT MOVE, Bellawitch!"

"Levicorpus!"

Maya was suddenly hoisted into the air by her ankle and was forced over to Bellawitch's side. "Liberacorpus," Bellawitch released her. "Your place is, and always will be, at my side."

Aunt Bella aims her wand at Weasley and cries out with all her might and power, "Sectumsempra!" (How on earth does she know my Godfather's created spell?!)

A brilliant light blinds every watching eye for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, a moment that can't be distinguished from half a second, or half of an eternity, but it's too much, it's too much, it's too MUCH

Time.

Or maybe it could also be thought of as not enough time. Not enough time to say all the things you meant to say while you were still living. Not enough time to properly say goodbye. Not enough time to whisper one final "I love you."

Bellawitch stares down disgustedly at Weasley, shattered and crumpled on his knees and letting out uncontrolled, haunted wails and repeating the word "no" over and over again. Tears race down his cheeks, while he huddles over…something…

Bellawitch blinks, confused. "You're not bleeding. Why aren't you dead?"

He says nothing.

"Answer me!"

He looks up slowly, tears showing no sign of stopping, and brokenly whispers, "I'm ready for death now. Please…"

Bellawitch finally realizes what's wrong. She runs over and pushes Weasley to the side. "Maya!" she cries. "How did this happen?! Maya? Maya!"

"She can't hear you anymore. Your spell killed her. She's… she's dead."

"No! I aimed that spell at YOU! YOU are the one that should be laying here, NOT her! Never her."

"And I would have gladly been, had I still been an ordinary man. But the body I have now…" he breaks off, too upset and wracked with… guilt?.. to finish.

I suddenly want to leave his mind more than anything in the world. But I know that I won't. I can't leave him, after knowing what he's been through. And he asked for help. I will not abandon him.

Bellawitch may not understand what he just said, but I get it fully. This Weasley's body is no longer made of flesh. Sectumsempra had nothing to attack. His tin body reflected the curse off of him and instead hit Maya, full force. She must have died from blood loss.

Weasley's body killed his one true love…

Bellawitch was now stroking Maya's hair and repeating "Vulnera Sanentur" softly. "Please, Maya, I didn't mean it. Please come back. Vulnera Sanentur."

Maya's wounds had knitted together and disappeared almost entirely, but if she was dead, there would be nothing to bring her back.

"Bellawitch," Weasley begins quietly. "If you truly loved her then at least honor her wishes. If she and I cannot be together in life, then let us find happiness and peace in the afterlife. I beg you to end my existence. Without her, I am NOTHING."

Bellawitch's cold eyes hardened. "You have ALWAYS been NOTHING. You will always BE nothing. And now, the only person I've ever cared for, has been hurt because YOU couldn't follow one simple rule of staying away from her!"

"That isn't what she wanted."

"You have no IDEA what she wanted!"

Silence pressed down hard all around them. A small wind lightly blew a strand of Bellawitch's wild hair off her forehead. Her eyes narrowed into slits. "I hate you," she hissed. "I despise you right down to your very core. Death would be too kind. You will remain in this very spot for all eternity, never able to speak to another soul, never able to touch another living thing, never able to die from the unbearable loneliness that I hope you feel for every second that you remain frozen here. "Petrificus Totalus Aeternus."

That's it? That's all my "evil parallel aunt" used? A simple child's body binding spell? Please. My real Aunt Bella is WAY more creative. And cruel. Although, I WILL give this one SOME credit. The Aeternus at the end was a nice touch. I believe it's "everlasting" or "eternal" in latin. She wasn't kidding about keeping him here forever.

Okay, well now that I've overstayed my welcome, I think I'll pop back into my own mind again. After all, it IS more comfortable in there.

As I withdraw from Weasley, I now understand why his mind was so empty before. He wants it that way. Because he can't deal with the pain. I don't blame him. Poor guy.

**A/N: Allrighty, well… there's that. The first part of our Tin Ron's story. I sort of have an idea, but does anyone have any suggestions on his name? Or any suggestions about anything else? I always love to hear 'em! **

** A special thank you to ForeverDoesntExist15, bicorn-tana, Nebelwand, stardustgirl24, Miazabini3, and all you other lovely people that I didn't get for favoriting and/or following! And a huge cookie to stardustgirl24 for reviewing! I tend to laugh even harder when people ask me what I'm doing, when I think something is hilarious. I appreciate your review. Thank you. Okay, have a fantastic day, guys!**

** Please review and let me know what you think!**


	5. Troubled Tin Pt 2

Wizard of Hogz

Chapter 5: Troubled Tin Pt. 2

I release Weasley's mind, only to find Spotter standing nearly toe to toe and nose to nose with me and attempting to search my soul or something weird like that. I yelp with surprise and push him away. "Geez, Spotter, if you fancy me so much, then at least take me out to dinner first!"

"Oh, are you hungry? I don't think there's a restaurant for miles. I can't take you to dinner, but I CAN share my apples!" Spotter replies.

I make a whooshing sound and pass my hand over his head. "Whoosh! Do you know what that was for, Scarey?"

"Um… because you like to make funny sounds?"

"No, that was because you completely failed to understand my point. It just went right over your head."

"What did?"

"You're impossible."

"No, I'm a scarecrow."

"A scarecrow that can't appreciate the comedy of a genius."

"I do too understand comedy! Tell me, why did the scarecrow win a medal?"

"I don't know? To get to the other side?"

"Because he was outstanding in his field! HA! Get it? OUT STANDING!"

"How very clever."

"How does a scarecrow drink from a cup?"

"Very carefully?"

"With a straw! Now, for my personal favorite. What is a scarecrow's favorite food?"

"I've not the slightest idea."

"STRAWberries!" he falls to the ground, whooping with laughter.

"A right comedian you are. But that's not really understanding comedy. That's just you knowing jokes… about scarecrows.

"I know jokes about lemurs too!"

"No. No more jokes. We've got things to do, tin people to revive."

"Oh yeah! So what's wrong with him? Can you fix him and bring him back to life? Will he be a ghastly flesh-eating tin zombie?"

"Don't be silly, Spotter. He was never dead."

"So-"

"No, Scarey, he won't be a zombie."

"Aww…" I can almost see the excitement evaporate out of him.

I shake my head at his crazy antics. All right, back to serious business now. Time to rid this man… person… tin… thing… of this big, horrible, and unbelievably complicated magic that my evil "Aunt" so kindly bestowed upon him. I look deep into his eyes. "I'm going to release you now. I want you to know that you owe me nothing. I know what happened before, and we don't have to talk about it. And I believe you should know that Bellawitch is still alive and I'm one of her current targets."

I raise my wand. "Finite Incantatum." I watch as life literally pours back into his body.

Weasley blinks hard and rubs a hand across his jaw and down his chin. "…m…m…my, my, my goodness, I can talk again! Oh, to be able to MOVE again!" he yells excitedly. "Oh, thank you! Thank you, so much!" he takes my hand into his solid grip and shakes it until it feels like my whole arm is going to fall off.

"It's not a problem."

Scarey's eyes are wide open and his eyebrows are so far up, they've disappeared under his straw hat. "Oh, goodness! How did you ever get like this?"

Weasley's gaze found my own. He doesn't want to talk about it, and I'm not going to make him.

"Oh my! Look, Scarey!" I cry out. "You missed an apple! It's way over that way! Over there! You'd better get it before the crows do!"

"Oh boy, sure thing!" he shouts happily, trotting off in the direction of the "apple" that he'll never find. Because it doesn't actually exist.

"I turn back to Weasley. "You don't have talk about it, but he might remember later," I tell him. "In all honesty, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather NOT talk about it. Talking about feelings… Well it freaks me out, like a girl reaching into her purse and finding a big, huge, hairy spider hidden in there, instead of her ponytail holder."

He looks at me with a bemused expression and asks, "what is a purse?"

Either he's been stuck in that spot for too long, or they don't actually have purses here. "You're not serious? They're little bags that ladies carry around, to hold all of their girly things."

"Oh. That… um… that seems useful. Why doesn't EVERYONE carry them around?"  
"Ugh, never mind. So now that you're free and all, what are you planning to do?"

"I truly have no idea where to go from here. Nothing would bring me a greater joy than to see Bellawitch dead for what she did to Maya. To ME. But…"

I get it, I really do. For once. "But… What would Maya want, right?"

"Exactly. For some strange reason, she really did love Bellawitch and truly believed her to be a real friend. She wouldn't want me to spend my whole life trying to avenge her against her own best friend. But she IS my life."

"All right, so you just told me what she WOULDN'T want. So now I want you to tell me what she WOULD want."

"She would want me to move on and appreciate my life. She would want me to be happy."

"And what makes you happy?"

"Food."

I sputter and try to think over what he just said. Clearly I misheard him because I thought we were (sort of) having a heart to heart and I'm PRETTY sure "food" can't be a serious answer… can it? "Come again?"

"No, no, you heard me right. "My troubled heart cannot be soothed by Maya anymore, so my second love is food. Every kind."

Did I miss something? Because I have this feeling that maybe I did. I'm not sure if I've ever been so confused. "So… the thing that makes you happiest… is… food?" I ask slowly, still unsure. He's pulling my leg, I just know it.

"Oh, yes. Absolutely. Food and water keeps us alive, correct? And there's plenty of it. It would never die or leave you."

"Um… right. At least it keeps MOST of us alive. But didn't you go for quite some time without any?"

"Well, yes, but just because I don't actually NEED food to sustain my life NOW, does not mean that I cannot still love it! I DID used to be a real live man before…"

"Right, right. My sincerest apologies."

"Ah, it is all well. I know you meant no harm."

Scarey comes back over to us, looking confused as ever and scratching his head. "Darn crows must've got that apple."

I chuckle. "No worries, mate. You'll get to first, next time, I'm sure."

He brightens up at that and turns to the tin Ron. "So what are your plans now that you're free? Draco's going to the Foreboding Forest to meet his lady girly friend, and I'm going to see the Wizard to get better eye sight."

"I am uncertain," Tin Weasley says. "Perhaps I will go on a quest to taste every food item that the world has to offer."

"Food? That's WONDERFUL! What kind of food do you like most?"

"How could anyone ever settle for just ONE favorite? Why, I enjoy ALL food!"

You will be SO stunned to know that he suddenly bursts into song now. Like a birthday piñata filled to the brim with goodies for all the children, THAT'S how much he bursts into song.

"When a man's all out of pretzels

His life turns awful fretful

And my soul is torn apart.

Just because I love hunan

And I'm busy yogurt spoonin',

I would like my own food mart.

Chicken tenders- soups and lentils,

Italian and Oriental,

Cheesecakes and tarty tarts,

Creams and chocolates and alfredo,

Corn, beans, peas, and all potatoes,

If I only owned food marts.

Grilled ham and cheese… tomatoes please

Above, the apples grow (I'll eat those tomorrow)

A yellow peach… How sweet!

My French fries would be golden.

My ice cream would stay frozen.

Turkey sandwiches cut apart.

I'd dip my carrots and my chippers

In a large French onion dipper,

If I only owned food marts!"

He does some odd little dance, while still in his own food world, while Scarey whispers something completely absurd in my ear. I shake my head firmly and sprint over to help Tin Weasley before he falls over from all the excitement. "Careful now," I mumble.

Scarey claps like a loon and jumps up and down. "That was wonderful! You know- we were just wondering why you couldn't come to Hogz with us and ask the Wizard of Hogz for your very own food mart!"

I'm shaking my head frantically, while worrying that I might pull a muscle. "No, WE didn't agree on this, Spotter. YOU offered a suggestion, in which I had no choice but to object. We are on a very tight and very important schedule. We simply don't have the time."

Tin Weasley nods his head in understanding. "Yeah, I'd really hate to be a burden on you. Besides, Hogz is a long and dangerous journey."

"But you were just saying how much you want a food mart!" Scarey frowned.

"Well, suppose the Wizard wouldn't get me one when we got there?"

"Oh, but he will! He must! We've come such a long way already."

Suddenly, I hear a mad cackle that raises every hair on my body. I know that laugh. And so does Weasley, if his tense posture means anything. Or is he always like that, being made of tin and all?

Bellawitch stands at her full height on top of what appears to be Tin Weasley's old roof. (And seriously, I've gotta stop calling him Tin Weasley and learn his actual name. Later though, since now is obviously not a good time.)

"You call that long?" Bellawitch screeches. "Why, you've just begun! Forgotten all about me, eh? Well I haven't forgotten about you!"

"J-just leave us b-b-be now!" Scarey stammers, terrified.

Of course that just makes her laugh harder. "Ha! Quiet, you! You're not even worth my time. I'll stuff a mattress with you!"

She barely spares a glance at Weasley. "And you! Apparently, enchanting your chess pieces to CUT YOU DOWN TO SIZE and then binding you to one spot for all eternity didn't work out as successfully as I'd hoped. So I'll use you for a bee-hive!"

Tin Weasley snorts and rolls his eyes, which surprises me immensely. He's not the slightest bit afraid of her. He has nothing left that she can take from him. "Cut me down to size?" he repeats mockingly. "What are you, twelve? Your joke was lame and you should feel bad."

My eyebrows rise so high, they're in danger of disappearing into my hairline forever. I think this Tin Weasley and myself would get along quite nicely.

"You test my patience," Bellawitch growls at him, while she gathers a ball of fire in her palm and tosses it at Scarey. "Here, scarecrow! Want to play ball?" She laughs gleefully and holds a broomstick that I haven't noticed until now, into a flying position and takes off, red smoke puffing up all around her. When the smoke clears, she is nowhere to be found.

I point the ruby wand at a still-very-much-on-fire-and-over-panicked-Scarey and recite "Aguamenti."

"Ahh," Scarey sighs in relief. "Thank you, Draco. You know- I'm not afraid of her! I'll see you get to the Foreboding Forest now, whether I get good eye sight or not! Stuff a mattress with me. Hah!"

Tin Weasley grins smugly. "Bee-hive- bah! If she's supposedly SO WICKED then why can't she come up with something better than a BEE-HIVE?"

No joke, if there was any possible way that I could be turned from Hermione, (which can't be done- I've tried) then I would honestly believe that he is my soul mate. Not in a weird way or anything. Oh, screw it. Any way you look at it, it's the sole definition of weird. Thank goodness, this is all only in my head. And now I sound like a certified mental patient at St. Mungo's."

"Well, gentlemen," Tin Weasley interrupts my inner ramblings. "It was very nice meeting you, and I thank you very kindly for helping me. I'll just be on my way now."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I say quickly. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Well, probably to the outlands of-"

"I believe the correct answer, is with us, to the Foreboding Forest. We stick together from now on."

"Really? No lie?"

"No lie."

"Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had! And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known you all the time. But I couldn't have, could I?"

"I don't see how," Scarey says. "You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together, were you?"

"And I'm not even from this world," I point out. Even though I DO actually know them, in a way.

"Still, I wish I could remember. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?"

"That's right," Scarey grins happily.

"We do," I agree.

Scarey begins his silly song from before and starts skipping along the yellow shifting staircase. I'm not surprised to find that Tin Weasley knows the song as well. And you know what? I can't help, but join in, because all of a sudden, I feel like everything is going to be just fine. Which is strange, because I'm a pessimist at heart. Look at who my father and my across-the-hall roomie is.

"We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Hogz!

We hear he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a Wiz there was!

If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was, the Wizard of Hogz is one because

Because, because, because, because, BECAUUUUUUUUUUSSSSE!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Hooooooogz!"

It isn't until a couple of hours later, when we find a place to settle into for the night that I am finally getting the chance to ask my burning question. "Hey, Tin Man person?"

"Yeah?" he answers.

"What on EARTH is your name?"

He chuckles lightly. "I thought you'd never ask. iRon. iRon Eatley."

"How extremely fitting."

**A/n: Hey guys, I'm back finally! This chapter was really hard for me to work with because it took a wild turn in the last chapter, so I spent so much time trying to figure out how to bring it back to that light and sort of upbeat nature. In the beginning, I had Tin Ron as being incredibly annoying to Draco and as an instant best friend to our scarecrow Harry, but now he's actually kind of cool. The story just kinda took me away, if that makes sense.**

** I apologize for taking so long to update. My daughter and I participated in the musical: Annie, and then I went to Barbershop camp, in which I just got back from about a week ago. Don't worry, for those of you that are still (hopefully) with me. I will never abandon this story!**

** A very special thank you to hoshiakari7 for REVIEWING! Thank you so much! And I agree, Draco IS pretty deliciously funny (I think. It might just be in my head) I'm sorry I didn't update as soon as you had probably hoped, but I present this chapter to you NOW! Yay!**

** All right, I'm going to go now. I've written a whole book of just my A/N. I never know how to end these things. The end? Please, please review! **


	6. Leave it to the Scarecrow

The Wizard of Hogz

**Chapter 6: Leave it to the Scarecrow**

The sun is just starting to rise and birds are chirping in every tree. Squirrels and other creatures of the like are scurrying about. All of this means two things. One, it's WAY too early. And two, I wasn't only dreaming, and we've been lost in these blasted woods for six whole days now. SIX! And if you count the days when I first got here, BEFORE I had ever met my directionally challenged, legally blind scarecrow companion, then that makes NINE DAYS since I last saw Hermione. Since I was last asleep on my extremely clean, extremely soft, and extremely NOT a hard grounded forest clearing on a STAIRCASE of all places, luxurious, green satin sheet and blanketed BE. Nine days ago, I didn't have to rely on myself, a certain chatterbox scarecrow, and a tin man that clinks and clanks everywhere he goes and can't even bend right, to hunt for food.

Needless to say, I'm a little on edge. Well Dumbledore DID say that it wouldn't be "a simple or quick task." But did he fit the whole getting lost thing into the equation? Or was I supposed to be back with Hermione by now? Did Hermione leave the forest without me? Is she all right?

Who am I kidding? Of COURSE she's all right. She's the brightest witch of her age. And plus, she doesn't have a psychotic witch after her, sabotaging her every chance she gets. I still haven't forgotten about the poisoned poppy field that put Scarey and I right to sleep three days ago. Or all the wrong signs so helpfully thrown into our path.

I know Hermione is okay and I know that she can definitely take care of herself. I KNOW this, and still, I worry. I am aware that I have an unhealthy obsession with Hermione Granger. I have for years. I accept that. But does it really have to interfere with every tiny thing in my life?

Well, no use mulling over things I don't actually have control over. It's time to start the day. Today is the day that we will find our way back onto the yellow shifting staircase and to the Foreboding Forest. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully. Not very likely. Okay, fine, we're doomed.

I nudge Scarey's foot and tap on iRon's hollow tin shin. "Up 'n at 'em, ya lazy bums," I yawn. "We're going to have a great day full of productivity."

"Mmurmph phorgle mmamoot," Scarey brilliantly snores out. I've quickly learned that he's about as useless in the morning as knowing the fact that hummingbirds are the only bird that can fly backwards. Or knowing that pearls melt in vinegar. Or that honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. Seriously, when will I ever need to use any of this knowledge? And why do I know it in the first place?

"Get UP!" I yell loud enough to scare the chattering squirrels away.

Scarey and iRon jump up into sitting positions and scowl at me.

"Oh, build a bridge and get over it already," I grumble. "I enjoy early mornings just as much as you do. But we have to get a move on, while we still can. The leaves on the trees have turned upside down and they're curled up."

iRon looks at me strangely. "I am not following… Why are the leaves so important?"

"Because, you dolt, it's going to rain soon. Hard."

"How can you tell?" Scarey yawns.

Enter facepalm here. Sure, let's sit here and talk about it all day, instead of finding somewhere to keep dry. "The leaves turning upside down is a sign of rain. There's an oak tree to your left, in which the leaves have curled up. They curl in high humidity, which usually means heavy rain."

Scarey frowns. "So… does this mean you're some kind of nature fairy or something? Because I thought you were a wizard…"

"I AM a wizard," I growl through gritted teeth, because I'm pretty sure he just asked me if I was Tinkerbell. "It's just common knowledge."

"Well, you're the smart one, so you would know," iRon says, while Scarey nods hard enough for his hat to tumble off.

Okay, fine, maybe it isn't ACTUALLY so common.

When I was eight years old, Voldemort insisted to my father that it was time for me to "grow up and be a MAN." The "growing up" that I had to do, was learning how to shield my mind against Legilimency and to resist two certain Unforgivable Curses. I'll give you a hint- it wasn't the killing curse. Yep, all through my childhood, the shouts of "Crucio!" and "Imperio!" could be heard all throughout the manor. Oh, and don't forget the beatings to "toughen" me up. I learned to block against Legilimency very quickly. I was finally able to resist the Imperius Curse when I was twelve. It wasn't until two summers ago, right before I returned to Hogwarts, that I was able to resist the Cruciatus Curse.

I'm reliving this most joyous journey for a reason though. Remember all the useless knowledge from before? Oh, and the leaves? Don't forget about the leaves now.

When I came home from my very first year at Hogwarts, I wasn't greeted with warm hugs or kisses, or even a muttered "hello". My father pulled up a chair and motioned for me to sit, so I did. Only I never reached that chair. That summer, like the others spent before, was again spent with me being physically and magically tortured.

That summer was different from all the others, though. Because I'd had a taste of freedom for the first time, what with being away at Hogwarts and all.

So I began sneaking away to the muggle library and pouring over every book, every written article, -and after I finally learned to use a computer- about anything that had to do with survival in the woods, on a mountain, in caves, in snow, you name it. I learned how to predict the weather, what I could and couldn't safely eat, how to build shelter and fires, how to reduce my odds of dehydration and hypothermia, how to hunt live animals, how to locate the "true north", and so on and so on.

I was prepared to run away and never return. And I could have done it. But running away is the coward's way out, and one: I'm no coward. Two: I'd rather be slowly eaten alive by wolves, rather than give my father the satisfaction of knowing that he'd gotten to me so bad. And besides all that, my mother would have been sick with worry, and she's actually a decent person.

So I stayed and learned how to fight back. KNOWING that I could disappear into the wilderness without a trace and actually be able to SURVIVE on my own was enough for me. It still is.

So… yeah… that's my happy childhood in a nutshell. I'm just amazed (and thankful) that I didn't turn out even worse than I already am.

I shake my head. That'll be enough of THAT.

When I float down from space, I realize that Scarey and iRon are watching me patiently and waiting for instruction. Why does everyone (Blaise being the exception) always let me zone out like that for so long? It can't be healthy?

"Let's go and find some proper shelter," I say.

"But what about food?" Scarey groans, rubbing his stomach. I can hear it rumbling from where I stand.

"Well food wouldn't be such a problem if you didn't talk so much. And you're just as bad, iRon."

"ME?!" iRon yelps, surprised.

"Yes, you," I drawl. "I know it isn't your fault, but your body is ridiculously loud when you walk. You both scare off anything edible with a heartbeat, which is why I hunt alone when you're sleeping. Otherwise, all we'd have to eat would be apples, grasshoppers, and berries."

"Oh wow!" Scarey exclaims. "I wondered where all the food has been coming from! I thought we had a super fairy godperson to serve all of our hunger needs and was dropping the food off to us for a wonderful surprise in the morning. And all along, it's been YOU."

I look at him for a LONG time. "I worry about you, Scarey, I really do." I am legitimately concerned for him, sometimes. "All right," I continue. "Enough standing around and chatting the day away. We've got places to be."

**0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0**

Finally. FINALLY, we've found our way back to the yellow shifting staircase. It only took us SEVEN hours. Only there's a problem. A couple, actually. The sky is becoming rapidly dark, and we don't know whether to take the left or right path.

All right. Scarey got us in this whole lost business, so I've decided that he'll be the one to get us out.

"Scarey, left or right?" I ask.

"To the right, of course!" he says, with no hesitation.

"And you're sure about that? One hundred percent?"

"Absolutely! Without a doubt!"

"Wonderful. Left it is, then."

"But I-"

"I know what you said, mate. Which is why we're going left. And quickly. The skies could open at any moment and release it's delicate tears upon the dry, tender earth."

"Huh?" Scarey gapes, while iRon snickers.

"It's going to rain soon, Scarey." iRon chuckles.

"Ohh!" Scarey says. "Draco, it's going to rain soon!"

"Imagine that," I smirk. "Now come on. Off we go. We don't need you getting your stuffing all wet, or you'll contract hay fever. Then you just wouldn't be you anymore."

iRon openly howls with laughter at that, while Scarey looks as confused as ever. I know Scarey doesn't understand my joke, but it's probably for the best.

I make the left turn and begin to lead the way, looking for any suitable shelter to wait out the oncoming storm. I'm seeing a fallen tree every now and then, but unfortunately, it'd take too long to turn it into anything useful.

You've got to be kidding me… There's a dead end up ahead. Will my luck ever change?

Urg! WHY is this place so IMPOSSIBLE!? If I could just-

"Ahhh!" Scarey's surprised and sudden yelp startles me out of my thoughts. I spin around, only to find a missing scarecrow and a befuddled man of tin.

"Scarey?!" I call out frantically.

"Draco!" he calls back from… somewhere. "Draco, can you hear me? Hello?"

Thank goodness, he's all right enough to talk. Do Scarecrows actually get hurt? Being as how they're made of straw and all. "You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fantastic! My face broke fall my fall, so I got pretty lucky."

LUCKY? Yeah, sure. "Where are you?"

"I don't know. I... I…"

"Come on now, out with it."

"Well, it's just that… I THINK I fell down a… tree…"

"Excuse me?"

"I said I think I fell down a-"

"No, I heard what you said the first time. I just couldn't process it. Hang tight, I'm going to get you out of… wherever you are."

"Wait!" I halt my wand at his request, and wait for him to go on. I feel the first drop of rain. I count to ten before I call to him again.

"Hurry, Scarey! It's starting to rain and we need to get out of here!"

"That's just it though!" he voices from further away. "The tree must have been some kind of passage. I fell down into a cave or something. But I don't see an end to it at all. And it's big enough to fit all three of us."

Well, since we're at a dead end aboveground anyway… and there's no shelter in sight… "That's good enough for me!" I say, stumbling around, while pushing and pulling at every tree knob, root and branch.

"Draco!" iRon yells, pointing to a tree. "Over here!"

"Don't go in yet," I tell him. "I'm going to lower you down slowly. We don't need you jumping or falling, or you'll burst into a huge pile of soda cans or something." I raise my wand at him and lower him into the tree trunk, even though I still don't quite believe it. Just when he safely makes it in, the entrance to the tree closes back at the exact same moment the sky opens up and releases sheet after sheet of rain. My clothes are entirely soaked through in just seconds. I leap toward the tree and push the hidden knob. I jump down the hidey hole and it feels like I'm falling for forever, and I think that this must be what Alice in Wonderland must have felt like. I land hard on the dirt packed floor. I can already feel the bruises forming.

It's pitch black down here. I can hardly tell whether my eyes are open or closed. "Lumos," I mutter, but nothing happens. I have a mini heart attack when I realize that I'm holding a twig instead of my wand. I must have dropped it when I landed. "Crap, crap, CRAP!" I hiss. PLEASE don't let it be broken.

I let out a huge, relieved sigh when my fingers finally brush over it. I pick it up, gingerly, and repeat "Lumos" and enjoy the way the underground path is now softly lit.

We start making our way through the tunnel and just as Scarey said, there isn't an end in sight. How odd that our path continues underground, while we hit a dead end up above. I can just feel that we're going the right way.

I just want to see Hermione. I need to see for myself that she's all right. I let out a tiny (and what I thought it was at the time) inaudible sigh.

iRon steps away from whatever conversation he was having with Scarey and falls into step with me. He takes an incredibly deep look at me and smiles wistfully. "That was the sigh of a man in love." He murmers.

Um… what? "What are you talking about" I ask.

"It is written all over your face. Whoever she is, she is lucky to have someone like you."

"Please. She doesn't even know the real me exists. All she knows me as, is a self centered, selfish jerk who used to bully her and her friends."

"Used to. Past tense. People change. To be honest, you are the kindest man I've ever met."

"You must live in a delusional world."

"I am serious. Scarey told me what you did for him, and I KNOW what you did for ME. And I know it was not easy for you. I am so sorry that you had to see my past horrors like that. And you still helped me. And then you proceeded to let Scarey, horrible with directions and talkative he may be, and myself tag along with you, even though you are on a very important and probably time-sensitive mission. I do not know any "self centered, selfish jerks" that would do that.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I don't mind so much that she hates my very being. It makes it that much easier to deal with. And hey, at least I don't have to worry about rejection right?"

He ignores that. "Tell me about her."

I can feel my face soften instantly. "Hermione… Hermione is flawless. She's more beautiful and more stunning than any other woman I've ever met. She's incredibly intelligent beyond compare. She's loyal, kind, brave, and determined. I don't think there's anything that she CAN'T do when she puts her mind to it. She used to have this really adorable bushy brown mess called hair, but now she has these soft curls that bounce when she walks and it looks so silky. And she has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen."

"She sounds lovely," iRon sighs.

Scarey takes the moment to join in and squints over at me. "So when are you going to tell her you love her?"

I feel my eyes go wide. I didn't even know he was listening. "I can't tell her. That would be pretty stupid of me."

"Why?" he jumps up and down excitedly. "It would just be so romantic! And she deserves to know!"

iRon grins. "I agree with Scarey. You owe it to yourself to find out how she feels. True love does not come knocking every day."

"I already KNOW how she feels, okay? Is it so much to ask that I don't have to hear it verbally as well? And would you stop with the whole true love bit? You know I don't like talking about feelings. The whole subject is making me feel rather ill."

Scarey laughs and claps me on the back. "That's because it's called love SICKNESS!"

Ah geez. Get me out of here. And SOON!

I sneeze, and realize that my clothes are still drenched and dripping. Well, it looks like my luck won't be changing anytime soon. I sneeze again.

I guess when it's all said and done, you really shouldn't leave it to a half blind scarecrow to know which way to take. I sneeze again.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o 0**

**A/N: Yay, a new chapter! I'm sorry if this one wasn't very amazing, but once again, it wrote itself, so I just kind of went along with it. Hermione was actually supposed to be in THIS chapter, but it didn't exactly work out as I'd hoped. But most likely next chapter! I hope this one didn't bore you too much! I just really wanted some interaction between the guys and I felt like Draco had a story that he needed to tell (referring to his childhood)**

** Thank you to beachbum999 for favoriting this story. It means a lot to me, and I hope you're enjoying it.**

** Stardustgirl- thank you for your review and for sticking around. I hope you like this chapter. I made it extra long! **

** Sean- I love you too! And thank you so much for taking all that time to read what I've written so far. I finally updated, so yay! I hope you enjoy.**

** I apologize for taking so long to update again. I finally got a new job, so that's been draining me a lot. I was actually going to wait another week to update, but that wouldn't be fair to the people that actually read this. **

** Thank you to all my readers. **

** Please review! XOXO!**


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